Our relationship has always been difficult. I dream of me clinging to your uterus and you pushing me out of your womb into the miracle of life. Instead I remember how the tears flowed down your face as I flowed out of you towards death, six months too early, mixed in the blood that instead of nourishing me left your body to cleanse you of the poison that I had become to you. While your body was wise enough to let go of me, perhaps your heart still hasn't in the years that have passed. I know this because I never did leave you either Mom.
The world has never known you as a mother, which you became the day I found home in you, or the waves of unconditional love you felt when you and Dad first heard my heartbeat, or how I selfishly rendered you infertile and empty out of spite, never wanting you to shower your love on another. I watched helplessly as you blamed yourself and your wonderful body, and pulled into the blanket of your emptiness, shielding yourself from love you did not think you deserved, pushing away Dad, as you plunged into the depths of depression. Your pregnant friends and the celebration of Mothers day have become hollow reminders of what you cannot become, Mom, I think maybe its time to put our difficult relationship aside and move on.
I know no one could ever share the intimate bond we shared without severed umbilical cords. The world may never know me but they can know you as mother, because you already are one. Mom, I have seen you leaf through adoption sites with guilty eyes, and it is time you welcome a child who needs you more.